Factory Joke Thread – May 2024

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”

Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!”

Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!”

However, it’s only the first of the month!

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.  Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.  He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.    

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,  
the best I ever had!'  
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad  
but the biker still says nothing.  


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,   
'I'll tell you something else, boy,    
your grandma liked it!'    

At this point the biker stands up,   
takes the drunk by the shoulders  
looks him square in the eyes and says................... 

'Grandpa,.......... go home!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

There once was a fellow from France
who waited 10 years for the chance
He muffed it.

He knows all our sorrows and all our joys,
He knows all the girls that chase the boys

He knows all our troubles and all our strife,
He knows every man that steps out on his wife,

If the Bartender told all he knows
He would turn all our friends to bitter foes,

He would start forth a story which, gaining in force,
Would cause all our wives to sue for divorce!

He would get all our homes mixed up in a fight,
He would turn all our bright days to sorrowful nights.

In fact, he would keep the town in a stew
If he told one-tenth of all he knew!

So when out on a party and from home you steal drop in for a drink--the Bartender won't squeal!

I found out that it's two gross.

Yup

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that moment, I would have needed to clarify that men ponder deeply on diverse subjects, sparking further inquiries.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

But, that IS the truth!

So true !!!

A man is walking down the sidewalk when he comes across a bar. A sign in the bar window says, "Free beer for life!"

He walks in and ask the bartender what he has to do to get the free beer for life. The bartender replies, "You have to drink this gallon of Jack Daniels. Then you have to go out back where we keep an alligator and pull the tooth that is giving him a toothache. Last, you have to go upstairs and make whoopee with the winner of first prize for ugliest woman in the world."

The man says, "Easy. Let's see that bottle!" It takes him a while, but he drinks the entire gallon of Jack Daniels. Every last drop.
Then he stumbles out back to the alligator.

Soon the bar patrons are treated to the sound of a crazy, wild racket. Heavy bodies slamming and pounding all over the ground and walls. Things smashing and breaking. The rear wall is slammed so hard the patrons seated near it fear it will break in, and rush over to tables further away.

If the bar patrons didn't know what alligator screaming sounded like before, they do now. It was so loud they had to cover their ears. Who knew alligators could be so loud? That was one very angry alligator!

Finally the sounds stop. There are a few moments of silence. The bar patrons look around at each other, wondering if the man survived. But soon he stumbles through the back door, clothes ripped, dripping blood from cuts and gashes all over.

The bar patrons look for the alligator tooth, but he isn't holding it. Was he not able to get the tooth? They wait anxiously for him to explain.

The man stops to catch his breath. "Okay," he yells. "Now where's that woman with a toothache?"

Aah, and oldie but a goodie. Makes me smile every time I see it.

Phil

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona , when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.
"What in bag?" asked the old man.
Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
"Good trade

An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament. They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.

As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes “when I was your age we used to hit over the trees - not around to the side.”

So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees - but can’t clear them and loses his ball. He tries again and loses that one too…

Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, those same trees were only 6 foot tall.”

A thief enters a house at night, intending on robbing the place. In the dark, he starts hearing:

"Jesus is watching you... Jesus is watching you..."

Panicked, he looks around for the source of the whisper. He finds a parrot in a cage, with the name "Moses" pinned on it. Relieved, he says:

"Who's the idiot who named a parrot Moses?"

The parrot answers:

"The same idiot that named the pitbull Jesus".

Three boys 5, 7, and 8 years old go to the CVS checkout and put three chocolate bars on the counter and a box of tampons. The clerk questions the oldest boy about why he is buying tampons?

He replies, "They're not for me. They're for Billy here. We saw a TV commercial that said if you wear them you can swim or ride a bike and Billy can't do either yet."

May 12 was National Limerick Day. Sooooo...

On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Was tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in braille

They're hard to beat!

good one

...that one's been around a while. Legend has it Sam Snead said to to a young player on the 13th hole at Augusta National, home of the Masters. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/golf/2023/04/06/augusta-ruined-t...