Factory Joke Thread – July 2013

The wife is not speaking to me

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

got this from joke of the day website.

"A snail was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of turtles. A police detective came to investigate and asked the snail if he could explain what happened.

The snail looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast""

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

--

I'm so confused........

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

Great joke!

Me: God, can I ask You a question?

God: Sure

Me: Promise You won't get mad

God: I promise

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do u mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God: Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that

Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children..

And exactly WHY does this belong in a joke thread? Put it in your church newsletter. Don't post it here.

A man walked into his crowded local bar, waved a revolver around and yelled, "Who here has been sleeping with my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back,

"You're gonna need more ammo!"

A truck driver is delivering two penguins to a new zoo when he runs over a nail in the road. He manages to flag down a passing motorist.

“Hey there,” says the truck driver. “I’ve got a flat, but I need to get these penguins to the zoo ASAP. Will you please take them while I fix this problem?”

“Of course, no worries,” says the motorist. “Happy to do it. I love penguins.”

So the two penguins crawl into the passenger seat, and off they go.

Well, it takes a little while, but the truck driver gets his tire fixed up. He drives into town headed for the zoo, but when he passes by the cinema, who should he see walking out the door but the motorist with the two penguins in tow.

"Whoa there,” he calls out. “I thought I asked you to take them to the zoo!”

“Oh yes, you did,” says the motorist. “But we had a bit of change left over, so we decided to take in a movie, too!’

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility..

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

When companies ship styrofoam what do they pack it in?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do we label underwear as a pair?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why do firehouses have Dalmatians?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why in a country with freedom of speech are there phone bills?

Does the little mermaid wear an algaebra?

Why do scars never go away?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do old women die their hair blue?

Is laughing stock cattle with a sense of humor?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do tugboats push their barges?

Sooner or later doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Why is a keyboard called a keyboard if it just has little buttons?

How can someone walk up hill both ways through 32 feet of snow?

What is the purpose of that little ball on top of the flagpole?

If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Will you die if you get scared half to death twice?

What is the funny beep on the radio just before the network news?

If a vampire can't see himself in a mirror, why is his hair always so neat?'

If a cow laughed would milk come out its nose?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do men's bicycles have crossbars?

Why is the word abbreviate so long?

Do married people live longer than single people do or does it just seem longer?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a parsley farmer is sued can he garnish his wages?

If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what would happen if you turned on your headlights?

Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's law, will something go wrong?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Are people born stupid or do they have to work at it?

How did a fool and his money get together?

If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?

How can someone draw a blank?

Do toilet seats really protect us from anything?

Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, than who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?

How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

If someone with multiple personalities robs a bank, who is charged with the crime?

Corn oil is made from corn, Olive oil is made from olives, so what does baby oil come from?

How can there be self-help groups?

If the land is free, why is someone always trying to sell me something?

Why are movie theatres always so cold?

If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

Why do you often see a shoe lying on the side of the street?

Why do we pay tolls on the freeway?

Why do banks charge you a "non sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Do you think the Assassination Museum was created after JFK's assassination?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Why is a black light not black?

Why is it when a door is open it's ajar but when a jar is open isn't not adoor?

Why do they call a pear a pear if there is only one?

Why is it called a Caesar's salad? Did he invent it?

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing -eye sled dogs?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than young men do?

If you're born again do you have two belly buttons?

Why do they say new and improved? It can't be new if it was improved can it?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If you choke a Smurf what color would it turn?

How does the guy who runs the snowplow get to work in the morning?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

How do they get deer to cross at the yellow sign?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

How much money, in pennies, is lying on the streets of the world?

Why do women wear such uncomfortable shoes?

Why does the Indiana driver's license include in its list of possible restrictions "B" for "Blind"?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?

Why is it called a football when you really don't use your feet at all?

Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn't they already know it?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How does Elmo hear? Elmo has no ears?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

Why is it that when you tell a person that there are 400 billion stars in the sky and he'll believe you, tell him a bench is wet and he has to touch it?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

Is the grass really greener on the other side?

Why is there only ONE monopolies commission?

Why is an orange an orange but an apple not a red?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

Is the glass half full or half empty?

If you set to work with a knife that will cut through anything and Tupperware that's guaranteed not to break, what happens?

How do I set my laser printer on stun gun?

Why do people look up when they think?

Why do we tie shoes to the back of newlywed's cars?

Why don't we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

What are preparations A-G?

Why when you say a color a lot does it start to sound really strange?

Do infants have as much fun in the infancy as adults do in their adultery?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

Why do doughnuts have holes?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If you throw your pet cat out the window of your car does it become cat litter?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations if smoking is prohibited there?

Why are cows milked from the right side?

Why is it called a building when it's already built?

Why isn't phonic spelled the way it sounds?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

How does the Cheshire cat only show his smile?

Why did God give men nipples?

Isn't Big Kid an oxymoron?

If trailer parks didn't exist would tornadoes exist?

Why do they call them straight jackets when they are never straight?

Why do we have to dry raincoats?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

If a man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why do you have a hot water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?

Just before someone gets nervous do they experience cocoons in their stomachs?

Does chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight?

Can your face actually freeze while making ugly faces?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Why do we itch?

Why do phone companies give you a number to call if your phone doesn't work?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

When I erase a word with a pencil where does it go?

How come you press harder on a remote when you know the battery is dead?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Why are they called apartments when they are stuck together?

Why are most homes white?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding what is it expanding into?

Why don't we get goosebumps on our face?

Why do brown eyes see better in the sun than blue eyes?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it BEGINS ringing?

Why does glass eventually get thicker towards the bottom?

Why is jack a nickname for John?

Why can't we make newspapers that don't smudge?

Who really took the bite out of the Apple logo?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why do roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Will wearing short sleeve shirts show your support for the right to bare arms?

Why do some ranchers put old boots on fence posts?

Where do they get that awful music for ice-skating?

If a person kills their clone is it murder or suicide?

Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

If vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat?

How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

How does one actually zip their lip?

When an elevator is overloaded with passengers who is
criminally responsible?

If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

When sign makers go on strike is there anything written on their signs?

Why are toilet flush handles on the left side?

Why do other people hear our voices different than we do?

How does Kraft get the 5 ounces into every slice of American Singles?

How come Superman can stop bullets with his chest but he always ducks when someone throws a gun at him?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation or a murder?

Why is it that when you see someone in a cast or a brace you say ouch?

If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

Was the only reason God gave us a shin is to find things in the dark?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?

Where are the germs that cause good breath?

Why does unscented hairspray smell?

What is Mother Goose's real first name?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns do the rest have to drown too?

Why does the minute hand on school clocks always click backward before advancing?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Why do your feet swell on airplanes?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

If white wine goes with fish do white grapes go with sushi?

Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?

Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

How come you never hear about grunted employees?

Why don't more psychics win the lottery?

How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?

If I break the laws of Physics do I go to jail?

What is the purpose of the red string on Band-Aid brand adhesive packages?

What causes the holes in Swiss cheese?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a near miss? Shouldn't it be called a near hit?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in a fish market?

Which fruits are in Juicy Fruit?

If you can't drink and drive why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

If you don't repair your brakes right away should you make your horn louder?

How many turtles does it take to make one can of turtle wax?

Why are jeans so hard to fit into?

What do little birdies see if they get knocked unconscious?

Why aren't there seat belts in buses and taxicabs?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why do they call it the department of interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why is yawning contagious?

Why do we sing Take Me Out To the Ball Game if we are already there?

Why do we but a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

If taught, do gorillas really understand sign language?

Why is toilet paper scented?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't penguins in Antarctica ever get frostbite?

Do boxer shorts box?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why does soda taste better in a small bottle than in a large bottle or in a can?

If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

If you have an open mind is there a chance your brain might fall out?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why does X stand for kiss and O stand for hugs?

Where does the lost sock in the washer and dryer go?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why do bananas grow upward and all other fruits grow downward?

Where do swear words come from?

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, what is the speed of dark?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

How do they get the cream in the Twinkie?

Why do corn flakes and Sugar frosted flakes have the save number of calories per serving?

Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

What does the Q in Q-tip stand for?

Why are elections held on Tuesdays?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?

Do little angels have car seats in their chariots in heaven?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why are school buses painted yellow?

Why is the fear of long words called hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If WalMart is lowering prices daily, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef?

How can there be multiple Final Fantasies?

Why are the songs that get stuck in my head always little kid songs?

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?

If you're an atheist and swear on the bible, have you committed perjury?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why is a boxing ring square?

If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented?

When someone says "You know what they say..." Who are they?

Why is Greenland white?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is it when you get from here to there, you're still here and not there?

If something was miss-spelled in a dictionary how would we know?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

Why does belly button lint not match your shirt color?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If a penny costs 2.3 cents to make, why is it still only worth a penny?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How do they get the ship in the bottle?

Where do all the missing socks go?

Why are a goose and his wife called geese, but a moose and his wife aren't called meese?

How come the idiot is always in charge?

In the wintertime, why don't entire clouds freeze and fall to the ground?

What is the definition of "is"?

If horrific is akin to horrible, why isn't terrific akin to terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

If air travel is so safe, why do they call it a "terminal"?

If Cheese is made of milk why is it yellow?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Why are aliens always green?

If yesterday was today, then wouldn't today be yesterday?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Is atheism a non-prophet organization?

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?

Why is bra not a pair?

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this; when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident…I just lost it.”

A couple of college students met in a night club one night and danced the night away. They hit it off pretty well, and soon the guy suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well, it wasn’t long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, the guy noticed something strange. The girl’s toes would curl up during every lovemaking session.

When they were done, they lay back on the bed and relaxed against the pillows. Finally, our fellow, being impressed with himself, said, “I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up every time we made love.”

The girl looked at him and smiled. “Well, that usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose.”

At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled..

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled..

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

ATD- At the Doctor’s
BFF – Best Friends Funeral
BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM- Covered by Medicare
CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center
DWI- Driving While Incontinent
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
FMI- Found My Insulin*
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL- Living on Lipitor
LWO- Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR- On My Massage Recliner
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
TOT- Texting on Toilet
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WTP- Where’re the Prunes
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there. Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair. I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy. I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.

A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away. I could not get the courage up, and “Hi” was all I’d say. Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address, And send a VALENTINE to her, and with it I’d express my love

I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine, And then I dropped it in the mail, my special VALENTINE. In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail, A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart, And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart. I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside, And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

I’d love to be your VALENTINE, but I think I will pass, My husband says he’ll be at work, to kick your stupid ass. I’m glad you like my body, and you think it’s really fine, My husband says this card is going, where the sun don’t shine.

In your card, you said there’s things to me you’d love to do, I think my husband’s going to do, all of those things to you. So, have a Happy VALENTINES, I’ll see you Monday morn, My husband says on Tuesday, you’ll wish you were never born.

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards,forward,then backwards again, back and forth,back and forth……..in and out…in and out.

Her heart was pounding…her face was flushed…then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

“OK, OK! I CAN’T park the bloody car!

1. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Saturday prayer and medication services. Remember in prayer the ‘many who are sick of our congregation.

2. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.

5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind, and they may be-seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Communal Center. Please use the large double door at the side.

8. The Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10. The Men’s Club is warmly invited to the services hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

11. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and get a piece of paper.

12. If you enjoy sinning. the choir is looking for you!

13. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue’s new fund-raising campaign slogan this week: “I Upped My Pledge, Up Yours.”

Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.

Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.

Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap

Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.

Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.

Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.

West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.

Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.

Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.

Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.

Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.

Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel

New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!

Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.

California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.

Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.

Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.

Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.

Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.

Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.

Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family’

‘It was, ‘ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know, I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’ ‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster Mother,
- 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight!’

‘Oh my’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

‘No, that wasn’t it, ‘admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother. ‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

‘You missed the damn putt, didn’t you?’

Now that's funny right there, I don't care WHO you are!

Breakdown of the corporate structure...

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:

Leaps tall building in a single bound

Is more powerful than a locomotive

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

Discusses policy with God

PRESIDENT:

Leaps short buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a switch engine

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

Walks on water if the sea is calm

Talks with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine

Is faster than a speeding BB.

Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

Talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT:

Barely clears a Quonset hut

Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive

Can fire a speeding bullet

Swims well

Is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER:

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings

Is run over by locomotive

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

Dog paddles

Talks to animals

MANAGER:

Runs into buildings

Recognizes locomotive two out of three times

Is not issued ammunition

Can't stay afloat with a life preserver

Talks to walls

TRAINEE:

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building

Says "look at the choo-choo"

Wets him/herself with a water pistol

Plays in mud puddles

Mumbles to him/herself

SECRETARY:

Lifts buildings and walks under them

Kicks locomotives off the tracks

Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth

Freezes water with a single glance

Is God

Here's a little clarification of typical vacant job listing lingo...

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear ear rings.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy or English.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and then do it.

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,

She opened the door to see a Grey – haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you…you have no legs!

The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’

She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’

Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

‘I Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says: “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed: ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer.” the man replies.

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this; when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident…I just lost it.”

Blonde guy Jerry and his two friends are talking at work.

His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Morris says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

When I was young, I filled out an application for medical school. One of the instructions was to “Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect.”

Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors. ………… The rest ended up in Congress!

A couple of college students met in a night club one night and danced the night away. They hit it off pretty well, and soon the guy suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well, it wasn’t long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, the guy noticed something strange. The girl’s toes would curl up during every lovemaking session.

When they were done, they lay back on the bed and relaxed against the pillows. Finally, our fellow, being impressed with himself, said, “I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up every time we made love.”

The girl looked at him and smiled. “Well, that usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose.”

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

‘Just how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another… Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

‘I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen..

‘Why?’ he asks. ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’

‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’

‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

‘Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’

‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’

‘It was horrible,’ he replies. ‘All I got was a headache … She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.’

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly gentler and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse told me.

“I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.

“No, but I have,” replied the nurse.

Don’t get a Colonoscopy in San Francisco …

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . ..Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive ?

So the Minister asked the congregation,

“What did you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service!

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back onto the road. (At this point some of you may be wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Does it really matter?)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
“Are you a real pilot?”

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

One day, Eve was walking in the garden with the Lord. She said, “Lord, the garden is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide such joy, but I am still lonely sometimes.”

“No problem!” the Lord replied. “I will make you a man for a companion. He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I have to warn you, he won’t be perfect. He’ll have a difficult time understanding you’re feelings, will tend to think only of himself if allowed to, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies.”

“What’s bowling?” Eve asked.

“Oh… never mind. I was just getting ahead of myself, sorry.”

“That’s OK. I think I can handle this ‘man’,” Eve replied.

“Great, I’ll get right to it!” God said, and started grabbing some mud and shaping it. Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve, “Oh, there’s one other thing about this man I’m making for you.”

“What’s that?” asked Eve.

“You’ll have to tell him he was here first.”

If Men Truly Ran The World…

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
St. Patrick’s Day would be celebrated every month.
Garbage would take itself out.
The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.”
Instead of “beer-belly,” you’d get “beer-biceps.”
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words… “Ally McNaked.”
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “You know how fast you were going?” You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop :”Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you.”
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
“Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night,” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

If Women Ruled the World…

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a “good catch” simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
“Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Hunks.”
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” “You’re beautiful,” “Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit.”
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

So I said to the guy in the ticket office: “I want to go to Paris.” He said: “Eurostar?” I said: “Well I’ve been on TV but I’m no Dean Martin.”

Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.

He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."

Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"

He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.

The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

See the video. Anybody else has this problem?

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

Three drunk guys got into a taxi. The taxi driver, knowing they were drunk, started the engine, moved 10 feet, stopped, and turned off the engine. He told them, “we’ve arrived.”

The first guy gave him some money and the second guy thanked him. The third guy gave the driver a slap. The driver was shocked, thinking that perhaps the third guy wasn’t as drunk as he appeared. He said to the third guy, “what’s that for?”

The third guy replied, “watch the speed next time – you nearly killed us!”

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to have a drink drink.

A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"

Like I said....IT MADE ME SMILE!