Factory Joke Thread – April 2024

They baguette.

it becomes a muffin….and muffins are healthy. You’re welcome.

At a girl’s college dormitory, dates were only permitted on Saturday nights. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative that he see a certain young lady immediately . “I want to surprise her. You see, I’m her brother.” “Oh, she’ll be surprised all right,” said the woman. “But think of how surprised I am! I am her mother!”

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.

If it's true you can telegraph flowers, send me back to New York, I'm a pansy!

maybe not a joke but I thought it was funny.

Someone said that we are all just the same in the end. Little more than hairless apes, with advanced tools, and an over-developed sense of self-worth.

I thought wow I could use this at a commencement speech to encourage the next generation!

A doctor goes out and buys the fastest and flashiest car he can find, a brand-new Ferrari SF90 Stradale costing him $525,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 80 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor grins and replies, “A Ferrari SF90 Stradale. It cost over half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The old moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear-view mirror – what it could be… and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him, going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 170 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 190 mph.

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old geezer, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 210 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do so he lets up on the gas...

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops, jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive!

He runs up to the bruised old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Well son, you can unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

Awesome

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, "Close enough."

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a meeting

"Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

Today's 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

"On time" is, when you get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

A light snack!

I was at a wedding reception recently and someone yelled "All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death!

It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop at the end.

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

Was watching, and the question was
"What does a 15 year old boy ask Santa"
disappointed, nobody said
"the naughty girl list"

"Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Except it was a saxophone by Kenny G. I called a company, possibly an insurance company and they played the same one over and over andd over again, for at least 20 minutes.

I never liked saxophone music and I disliked Kenny G even more.

Life after death:

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, of course sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you! "

Wow

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in our day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles, and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilized, and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.

So, they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable, besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown bag But we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line -- not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off, especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

John, you hit the nail on the head with this joke. Which to me is like it was and is now. It's more like real life than a joke. Brought a smile on my old face.

"Norman needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was.

They urgently needed to know, to save Norman's life. Tragically, I had never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.

I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive, be positive!"

That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."

Easter Sunday morning, as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “what's in here?"

"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5 year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.

9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glorybe unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

It's okay. He woke up.

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.
#2 - I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.
#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down...I'll remember it."
#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.
#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the clothes dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are SO much older than me.
#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.
#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.
#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.
#14 - I thought growing old would really take longer.
#15 - Aging has slowed me down some, but it sure hasn't shut me up.
#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

SO ... ALWAYS TRY TO REMEMBER:
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDlClNE
TO HELP US ALL STAY 'YOUNG' !!

Still applies to me.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

You can tell that is an old story. That little boy has to be 33 years old. Plastic egg packages were discontinued in 1991.

It was a big missed-steak.

Good one

Archie is lying in a hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

Through his mask, Archie struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, the nurse overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are – my – test – results – back?”

A man suspected his wife of cheating while he was at work. He told his best friend about it. He says I could place a hidden camera in the bedroom, but I don't want to spend that much money...

His friend says there's an easy and cheap way to be sure: attach a spoon under your mattress, and place a bowl filled with milk under it. That way, if your wife goes to bed with someone, the mattress will sink and the spoon will touch the milk. All you have to do when you get home is to check if milk is on the spoon or not.

The man agrees to do so and goes home. Two days later, they meet again. So, did you do it?

Yeah, I did everything you told me: I put the spoon, the bowl, the milk, etc. And I checked yesterday evening.

What happened?

The bowl was full of butter.

What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead while I give these two a lift!

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his food before it was cool.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

I love Pandas, they're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm White, Black, and Asian....."